First Week of PhD Rotation

Here I am. At the University of Pittsburgh, School of Medicine. Everyone is proud of me, and I think I am proud of myself, too. I still cannot believe that I am in graduate school now earning my doctorate in biology research two months right after being conferred my bachelor. I never imagined I would pursue this path when I arrived to the U.S. But since I joined research in the end of my freshman year, I have set my mind that this will be my forever interest. I always think that no ways I can get bored of research because there is a tremendous amount of unknown knowledge waiting to be discovered.  I had been waiting with all the excitement and pride for the moment of starting graduate school since my sophomore year. It is an amazing feeling to be accepted into a graduate program at a decent university.

After three days being in a new lab for my first rotation, I was amazed by everything; what people do, how they do it and all the available equipment. I realized that my undergraduate training is very weak and there will be so many things for me to fix. I was very disappointed that I was in lab for three years and now I have to relearn even the smallest things, such as where to dispose biological hazards, how to discard wastes properly and even how to open a tube properly, etc. to avoid all of potential contamination. I felt so ashamed that I did not ever pay enough to those little things before because no one my old lab does so. It was finally weekend, I went home with an exhaustion after long workday, but tried to read all the papers I was suggested and wrote summaries for them. First time working in lab for straight nine hours a day everyday and being all alone at home, having nothing to do but just focusing on research. I reviewed everything I did during those three days in the lab to make sure I would not make the same mistakes again. I got back to a good mood and set new goals for a new week, I would socialize better, stay more focused and avoid making the same mistakes.

New week began, it was a horrible week I believed because almost everything did not work out because of my bad techniques. I made new mistakes and sometime repeated my old mistakes. I was reminded several times on lots of things by the mentoring grad student. I was so annoyed and she was so annoyed that we always have awkward silence all the times. I was so angry at myself why I am so dumped and so not good at any techniques. I felt so so horrible wasting her time and materials. I really want to get better at what I am doing. I reviewed everything I have done throughout the day EVERYDAY, and I really want to be better, so I do not upset her and waste materials. But there are just so many things to remember and fix and erase from my old memories and replace my memories with new techniques. EVERYTHING comes at once! So.....I still have plenty of things to improve. 

Weekend again, I was totally down since I would not get any results, and I can feel her anger towards me. I am very upset about myself. I am sure she thinks I am very stupid and retarded, I cannot help myself in this case though because yeah...I am still adjusting to new things in this lab. I am trying my best but I am only 1.5 weeks into my graduate program. I am bad at my techniques, and this is why I need to be trained. I was from a very small university and was not trained by my mentor but by a master student. I could not help but carried out experiments the way I was taught. Now I am here with all awesome scientists, I see how experiments are properly handled. I am amazed and inspired! This is my starting point in graduate school and I hope she understands, I am trying my best to learn as quickly as I can and one day I will get to where she is now. I believe she still remembers how she felt when she was in my position now, even though it is years ago for her already.

--- I am encountered one of the hardest moments in my life......I hope I am strong enough to fight through this